I wish I was a raven.
A black blaze
over the Malahat,
floating around.

I wish I was a wave in
a blue peninsula crashing
into sound. In a future life
I will float all over the road
like a dress in the breeze.
And whatever's left will live
alone in the bones of this Mp3.

I want you
to know I tried to be open
as a window when the wind blew through
the thin clothes of my life.
And if I failed to hold that line,
and if I fail again,
I hope, on balance, I did you right.
I hope, on balance, I was your friend.
Did I help the light to bend?
I was born with a white skin.
I went to the right schools.
Who did I use those weapons to defend?

Outside in the cool night
I hear mating calls fading in.
I sit in my room listening to
Joan Armatrading sing
"how do you make it through this life?"
How do I begin?
How do I shake the sleep and
the weight out of my limbs?

I dream of Walter Benjamin
I dream about Beirut.
My clothes don't fit. My fears
won't quit I feel so destitute.
But oh, this world, I love the way it howls all night
and it's a brighter thing than I can sing to be here by your side.

I want you
to know I tried
to be a good man
despite the way my gender was defined.
And if I failed to break that bind
and if I fail again,
I hope, on balance,
I was the kind
of kind, effeminate man
that you could get behind.
I gave what I could give.
I'll say it again.
It was such a bright thing
to have lived here
when you lived.

Outside
in the blue night I hear sirens
fading out. I sit in my room
listening to O.V. Wright shout.
And behind that voice I love so much
I hear another sound.

It's coming from everywhere at once.
I hear it in the middle distance
Steady like a hunch. At first
I barely understood the grammar.
But now it's clearer than
a Dream Friends song:
I hear the sound of every being
in the world, from the crows
to the cover girls
from the shoes on my feet
to Yao Ming's hair
to the lemon trees
to the loud spring air
calling out loud.

They're saying two things
underneath their breath
at the same time.
They're saying I'm trying.
I'm really trying.
I'm really trying.
I'm really trying.

And the second cry,
coming out of the world:
You're here.
Right here.
And right here
It's okay.